Do you find yourself telling your child, “No, don’t do that,” or “stop that” all day long? Many parents know the feeling of being a broken record. Whether your child is throwing, hitting, tantruming, touching things they shouldn’t or engaging in other challenging behaviors, it can feel exhausting.
In those moments, it’s natural to focus on stopping the behavior right away. For many parents, this sounds like scolding or repeatedly saying “no” or “stop.” But here’s the unfortunate truth: simply telling a child what not to do rarely leads to lasting change. What if, instead of simply stopping the behavior in the moment, you focused on replacing it with a more appropriate one? That’s where real, lasting change begins.
What Are Replacement Behaviors?
When children engage in behaviors that are harmful, unsafe, or interfere with their quality of life, teaching replacement behaviors can be life-changing. A replacement behavior is simply a more appropriate way for an individual to meet the same need that’s driving the behavior. For example, if a child pushes peers to get their attention, a replacement behavior might be asking a peer to play.
If we focus only on stopping the behavior without addressing the underlying need, it will likely continue or be replaced by another challenging one. Replacement behaviors give children a more effective and appropriate way to get their needs met.
Functions of Behavior: How to Select a Replacement Behavior
All behavior serves a purpose. For example, a child who hits might be trying to communicate that a task feels too challenging. A child who bites their arm may be seeking sensory stimulation.
In ABA, we refer to these as the functions of behavior. To choose an effective replacement behavior, we first have to understand the function, or the “why” behind the behavior. Often, this isn’t immediately obvious. But behavior analysts are trained to assess patterns and identify what’s maintaining the behavior
Once the BCBA determines the function, they can select a replacement behavior that meets that same need. For example, if a child throws papers to escape a task, a replacement behavior might be teaching them to request a break or ask for help. When a child can appropriately ask for a break, they can get relief from the task without throwing.
The key is that the replacement behavior must match the function. If it doesn’t, it’s unlikely to be effective.
Teaching and Reinforcing a Replacement Behavior
The next step is teaching the replacement behavior. We wouldn’t simply tell a child what to do instead and expect them to figure it out. Learning a new skill takes support and practice.
It’s helpful to teach and practice these skills during calm moments. Trying to teach something new in the middle of a meltdown is tough for everyone. Instead, practice during low-stress situations so your child can learn what to do before they’re overwhelmed. Model the behavior and prompt your child to try it. Then, when it’s needed in the moment, your child is more likely to be successful because they’ve already practiced.
Equally important is reinforcement. When your child uses their replacement skill, reinforce right away. This might look like praise, attention, or honoring their request. When the new behavior works for your child, they’re more likely to use it again.
Consistency is key. Over time, as the replacement behavior becomes easier and more effective, the challenging behavior will naturally decrease.
Moving Beyond “Stop That”
Instead of asking, “How do I stop this behavior?” try asking, “Why is my child engaging in this behavior, and what skill do they need instead?” All behavior is a form of communication, and when we teach children better ways to express their needs, we set them up for long-term success.
If you’re unsure where to start, talk to your child’s BCBA. They can help identify the function of the behavior and work with you to select and teach replacement skills that work for your child and your family.